All of my writing, lately, seems to be summed up as: Facebook wall posts. “How inert,” you may say, while careening through the pages of the latest vampire novel. But I only stated a fact about myself, that I enjoy and at the same detest scanning the walls of FB to see what current details about past and present friends has arisen in the form of posts, photos, and new friends collected lately. I hereby offer to you here at Word a few of my FB tips that will save you time, money, and face.

1. Fauxpas. I recently posted, “Thanks to everyone who posts details of your vacation plans, so I'll know what time to go by and burglarize your house.” Need I say more?
2. Fweeter. When you use Facebook to twitter away the trivial details of your day, you have thus committed an act of Fweeting. You fweet, and are thus guilty of being a Fweeterer. Please stop now before someone gets hurt.
3. Likes. These are the most annoying posts of all, alluding to FB groups of which there is no limit in context or number, including, “If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?”
4. Facts. Why do I need to know that you had coffee are at work at a restaurant have sick kids watching sports on tv when I’ll know the most strenuous event in your day consists of letting the cat out since you brought it to my attention?
5. Fringe. Of course, there are tons of things to do besides check on your friends and their statuses…there are addictive games, chat, and an infinite number of pics with people leaning their heads towards the middle making appropriate (and not) hand/lip signs to indicate to the rest of us FB’ers that we are not having near as much fun as they are.

My immediate goal each day as I scroll down the FB wall is to write my own post that will inspire at least ten comments. This spells obvious success, instant gratification for the writer, and that lukewarm feeling that I have somehow connected with an actual person, hopefully not still wearing pajamas in the afternoon, out there in FB land. Editing my posts is a breeze, as I delete any comments that detract from the obvious success of my post (take THAT homeboy). And I have written something, albeit tiny, in the grand library of published internet literature leading me to believe that I, in my tiny spot in Facebook Land, am a published author.

A final note. For those of us with

1-300 friends…honest beginner at FB.

300-500 friends…active FB addict.

500-1000 friends…invites random folk after friend list is exhausted in order to win.

1000+…Justin Bieber.